


Acting On Impulse

by Osmanited2017



Category: Pointless (UK TV)
Genre: First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:01:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26222305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Osmanited2017/pseuds/Osmanited2017
Summary: Xander finally gives in to how he feels about Richard, but chooses one of the worst ways to go about it.No truth in this. Merely a work of fiction featuring a duo of quiz show hosts.
Relationships: Alexander Armstrong/Richard Osman
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

The night air was fresh but cold and Xander wished he'd put a thicker coat on. Tired of the solitude of his flat and all his good wine now gone, he'd decided to take a walk. He had no real idea where he was going, and every time he should have stopped and turned back, he just kept on walking.

Then there was a wetness landing on his face, and he cursed at the sky. It was cold enough outside without rain adding to his misery. Very quickly, the rain became heavier, and he shielded his face as the wind whipped up towards him, throwing the drops in his direction.

How was he supposed to get home in this? He looked around but the roads were deadly silent. He should definitely turn back, but in the dark he'd managed to lose his bearings.

Squinting at his watch under a lamp post, it was past three in the morning. How long had he been walking?

Finding a street sign, he laughed to himself when he realised he'd unknowingly walked all the way to Richard's road.

A gust of wind picked up again, and he stuffed his hands into his pockets, shuddering.

Would Richard still be awake? Would he be allowed in? Maybe he already had a guest in the female form that he was with.

The wind blew mercilessly at him again and he shuddered even harder. Deciding he had no choice, he broke out into a run and hoped the grip on his shoes would pity him and keep him upright as he glanced at the door numbers as he passed them.

Approaching the familiar door, he took a deep breath and pressed the bell, waiting. There was no reply, and at that time of the morning he guessed it was no surprise.

Pulling out his phone, he did what he should have done in the first place and called Richard’s mobile.

"Hello?" the voice was drowsy.

"Sorry Rich, I know it's late."

"I assume that's you ringing my doorbell?"

"Yeah. Don't suppose you could let me in could you?"

"Give me a minute."

Each second felt like eternity as the rain continued its onslaught, now joined by distant rumbles of thunder.

Richard opened the door, dressed in a t-shirt and tracksuit bottoms, and Xander ducked under his arm to get in.

“Holy fuck, it’s cold out there!” was the first thing Richard could say, now feeling awake.

"Rich, I'm sorry."

"Should bloody well be." Richard growled, "What are you doing wandering around the streets at this time of night, and in this weather?!"

"I'm sorry."

"So you keep saying. You could have been mugged or something."

"I wasn't though…a-and it wasn’t raining when I first set out."

“Oh and that makes a big difference. You’re absolutely drenched.”

It didn't really help matters much, and he knew Richard's anger was justified. If it had been the other way around, he would have reacted pretty much the same.

"And you've been drinking quite a bit. I can smell it."

"Yeah, so what? So I got drunk and decided to take a walk."

"You walked from your place?!"

"I did...Not that I knew where I was going exactly. My legs just brought me here without me properly thinking about it."

Richard shook his head and sighed.

“Look, go into the living room and get those wet things off immediately before you catch cold.”

Obediently he did so, immediately feeling the temperature difference and noticing the log fire was still safely smouldering in the fireplace.

Xander was still shivering slightly as he removed all but his boxers, relieved when Richard appeared with some towels that were warm and fluffy from the airing cupboard.

Taking the larger one, he wrapped it around himself and sighed happily before slipping the boxers off as well. A smaller towel was openly plopped unceremoniously on his head for him to dry his hair.

As he did, he saw his clothes disappear from the floor, and when Richard returned again, he had a pair of fluffy socks, a fresh pair of boxers, a pillow and a good thick blanket in his arms.

“I’m afraid my boxers probably will be a bit big on you, but they’ll do until yours dry.” He said, dropping them on the sofa before turning and walking to the door again, "Get some sleep."

"Rich. Really, I am sorry. Thanks for letting me in."

Richard turned in the doorway, a small smile on his lips.

"I wasn't exactly going to leave you sleeping out on my doorstep all night now, was I?"

“You could have, but no, you wouldn’t have. You’re good like that.”

Drying himself off fully, he placed the towels on the radiator in the hall to dry and made himself comfy on the sofa.

He let out a sigh of contentment, listening to the thunder get louder as it travelled closer. The wind howled as it blew the rain to the windows, and he thought what would have happened had he not somehow automatically walked to the right road.

The next morning, Xander awoke with a sore head and dry mouth. He groaned to himself and pulled the blanket up until it covered him completely.

Daring to open his eyes, he took in his surroundings and frowned until his memories slowly caught up with him. Letting out a sigh of frustration, he closed them again in the hopes that he could maybe sleep a bit longer.

Before he had a chance, he heard a light knock on the door followed by a squeak as the door opened and Richard poked his head around.

Xander slid the blanket down and looked at his friend with tired eyes.

“Hey Xander. I erm,” he placed a fresh glass of water on the table near him, “thought you might need a drink.”

“Thanks Rich. I’ve got a mouth as dry as one of Gandhi’s flip flops.”

Richard chuckled, smiling briefly before looking at his friend seriously.

“Why the hell were you wandering around at that time of the morning?”

“I just…I drank the last of the wine I had and felt lonely, so I started walking and…ended up here.”

“You decided to come here and get me out of bed.”

“Well, that’s the long and short of it. Sorry.”

Reaching for the glass he drank it down with gusto.

Richard looked concerned, reaching to touch Xander’s forehead in case he had early cold symptoms but he didn’t feel too hot.

“I think I’m alright, mate. I probably wouldn’t have been had you not let me in and I’d then walked all the way back home.”

“That was a rather ridiculous thing to do, mate, rain or no rain.”

“I know. I was just, as I said, feeling lonely. I’ve...been feeling this way for a while now. I thuink I’m starting to hate living alone now.”

“I thought you went out on a date the other night?”

“I did, but we just didn’t click. She’s not Hannah, and no woman ever will be.”

“Of course you feel that way now, but maybe if you give it time, you’ll find someone you like without comparing her to Hannah all the time.”

“Maybe.” He didn’t want this conversation; not now and not with Richard, “Sorry, my head is pounding.”

“There’s no rush to get up, so take your time. Go back to sleep if that’s what you need.”

Xander smiled as his eyelids drooped and sleep once again claimed him.

When he next awoke he found a note on the table beside him alongside his now dry clothes.

‘Gone to the office. Stay as long as you need, but if you decide to leave, use the spare key to lock up and give it back when you next see me. X’

What did he have to go back to apart from an empty flat?

Taking the spare key from the hook, he locked the door behind him and headed off for the supermarket.

He felt he owed Richard for last night, and he knew how much Richard loved his shepherd’s pie.

As the day wore on, Xander pictured in his mind several different scenarios of how this evening could play out.

He pictured Richard coming home, fatigued from his day and being delighted to find he’d cooked for him. They could enjoy their meal together and then maybe…Could he tell Richard how he felt? What if it all goes wrong and he doesn’t feel the same?

Xander shook his head. Even if Richard didn’t feel the same, it wasn’t like he was going to throw him out or anything. He was a good man, an understanding one who wouldn’t unfriend him over something so trivial.

His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a key in the lock, followed by voices in the entrance hall. One was definitely Richard, but the other was female. A work colleague maybe? After all, Richard had many female friends.

As he stepped from the kitchen, he saw Richard leaning down, lips locked with the brunette who was almost clinging to him, her heels not aiding the height difference much.

What a fool he felt in that moment, and he swore he even felt his heart clench in disappointment.

The smell of cooking appeared to finally get Richard’s attention and he turned to where Xander stood, a blush rising on his cheeks.

“Oh, erm, sorry.” Xander stammered, looking away, “I’ll just...check how the pie is doing and I’ll be-I’ll be out of your way.”

Quickly, he turned and went back to the kitchen, closing the door behind him. He could feel his breathing come in short, sharp bursts; his chest feeling like it was ready to explode with panic.

He was too late. Richard was with someone already. He probably brought her back for sex and there he still was.

Richard remained staring the in hall, trying to fully process what had just happened. He snapped out of it when she spoke.

“I think I’d better go.” She said, stroking his cheek.

“I’m sorry. I genuinely forgot about him and didn’t actually expect him to still be here.”

“Some other time then?”

“Yes, I’d like that.”

She didn’t offer another kiss, and he was too dumbfounded to do so either and merely let her out with a small smile.

Closing the door, Richard sighed and stared at the ceiling for a moment. He DID say Xander could stay as long as he needed, but then this wasn’t the first time Xander had stayed over, but he was often gone. Why was he still here? Why did he have to remain tonight of all nights.

Well he couldn’t stand in the hall for the rest of time, so made his way to the kitchen where the delicious smell was coming from.

Xander was still buzzing around like a bluebottle trapped in a room as he checked the oven and then proceeded to wash up.

“Xander?”

“I’m sorry.” He said again, trying to hide his hysteria even though he could barely stay on his feet, “I didn’t realise.”

Richard frowned in bewilderment.

“But what’s all this in aid of?”

“Nothing, I just…I wanted to thank you for taking me in last night.”

“You really didn’t need to go to all this trouble.”

“If I” Oh lord he couldn’t start getting emotional now, “If I knew you’d be entertaining I wouldn’t have. I really- I really wish you’d have told me.”

Richard could detect the emotion building in the smaller man’s voice and his frown deepened.

“Xander, it’s alright mate, calm down. You don’t need to get so worked up about it. I’m sorry, you’re right, I should have checked first since I did offer for you to stay.”

Xander continued moving from one spot to another, always with his back to him.

“I can sense there’s more to this than you’re willing to tell me.” He turned Xander to face him, hands gently clasping his shoulders, “What’s wrong?”

Things were already fucked up enough, he decided to blow caution to the wind. Taking advantage of Richard leaning down, he leant up and kissed him hard.

Oh those ever plump pink lips that had been teasing him for years were as wonderful as he’d imagined they’d be. All the time he tried to ignore knowing some woman had just been kissing these same lips, and no doubt her own saliva was now mixed with theirs.

When Richard seemed to not be protesting, he had a small glimmer of hope and reached up to gently start stroking his jaw line, but soon as the shock had worn off Xander was pushed away.

“Whoa, back up. Xander, what the fuck?”

It wasn’t an angry tone, more of a confused one, and he hadn’t been punched either so it was maybe a good start.

He reached up again, touching Richard’s cheek and leaning in to kiss him again.

“No. Stop.”

Richard grabbed him by the wrists, pushing Xander away again, harder this time and making his disapproval clear.

“I’m sorry Rich, really I am. I just…”

“Leave.”

The word cut into him like a blade, and what hope had inside him disappeared. Now it was Richard who was avoiding eye contact.

“Please Rich, I’m sorry.”

“Get out.”

There was a growl of anger in his voice now, and Xander knew from observation that when Richard was angry, trying to diffuse the situation was like trying to diffuse a bomb blindfolded.

“D-don’t let the food burn…It’d be a terrible waste. A-another five minutes should do it.”

Picking up his things, he flung on his jacket and left without looking back, the front door slamming behind him.

He power walked as far as the end of the road before coming to a stop and letting the last few minutes sink in.

Oh fuck! What had he done?

This could have all been less awkward had he kept his cool. But then seeing some other woman kissing the man he loved didn’t help matters.

There was no way he could go back now, and he knew it was best to wait a day or so then try to apologise, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Richard rejecting him again; possibly even end their friendship. No, he couldn’t face that right now, so he did what he felt was the next best thing.

After getting a taxi the rest of the way to his flat, his first stop was the bedroom and set about packing a suitcase.

Feeling in his pocket he realized he still had Richard’s spare house key.

Clutching it tightly for a moment, he sighed and returned it to the pocket. He’d give it back one day. Maybe just drop it through the letter box at some point, but for now, he needed to get away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander goes off grid, leaving loved ones concerned for his safety.

The Lake District was the perfect place to go, and he was good friends with a cottage landlord who no doubt would have something available since it was the off season. He knew it could be viewed as cowardly to run away, but for his own sanity, he knew he needed to be alone.

Bringing up Hannah’s number, he sent her a text.

-Sorry, I can’t take the boys this weekend. Something has come up. I’m okay, but I’ll be unreachable for a few days. X

Followed by one last text to Richard.

-I’m so sorry.

Messages sent, he turned the phone off and added it to his pocket.

Loading the stuff into his car, he made sure the flat was securely locked up and drove off into the night.

The first night in solitude was the worst as he downed scotch directly from the bottle and sat on the floor muttering to himself; all depreciating things as the memories of what happened ran on loop in his mind. Richard’s door key was clutched into his hand so much it hurt, but it didn’t stop him. The pain made him feel something.

The anger turned gradually to tears, and he lay down on the plush carpet and let them fall. As the bottle gradually emptied, the fire had long burnt out and on shaky legs he headed for bed, not even bothering to remove his clothes before collapsing onto the clean sheets.

He slept through the night in a dreamless haze, and on awaking the next morning with heavy eyelids and a thudding head, it took him a few moments to remember where he was and why. As his mind brought back the memories, again he let out a groan of frustration.

The first few days seemed to fly by, and Xander found himself gradually enjoying the peace and quiet. The weather was forgiving and waking up to sunny blue skies cheered his mood somewhat. He would take early morning walks and watch the sun rise at a suitably high location.

When it rained he would light the fire, turn on the radio, and read a book from the selection that was provided by the landlord. With glass of scotch in hand he could easily read on till late in the night until he was tired and drift off to sleep with tears in his eyes.

The third night found him in a restless sleep where his dreams were taunting him. He couldn’t place exactly where he was. There were doorways in every direction, and as he approached one, the door closed in his face, then the second one, and the third until there was only one door left.

In the distance on the other side he could see Richard standing, waiting for him, but as he ran to catch up to him, Richard walked off and disappeared.

“Wait!” he called out, “Rich, please! Don’t leave me here!”

But it was no use. Every time it was the same thing until finally a yell from his own mouth made him jolt awake. Panting heavily and sweating, he found that both the duvet and the pillows were on the floor.

He gave up trying to sleep, and simply lay on the firm mattress hoping eventually tiredness would just take him naturally.

The day that followed was as miserable as ever as the rain didn’t let up, and eventually with boredom and loneliness getting the better of him, he turned the phone on to a slew of messages and voicemails. The last one that came through was from Hannah who was going frantic. With a sigh of sadness and regret, he called her number and was barely able to say “hello” before he was shouted at.

“Where the hell have you been? I’ve been trying to get in contact with you the last few days.” her voice cracked with emotion, “You bastard, we started to think you were dead!”

Her sobs made his tear up, and he felt such a fool.

“I’m so sorry for worrying you. I didn’t mean to, but I’m just…taking some time to myself.”

“Why? Why did you have to do this? What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“I was married to you long enough to know when you’re lying. Don’t fuck around with me. You’re lucky we didn’t call the police and have a missing persons report put out.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“Because I wanted to trust you when you texted me about being unreachable but okay. It was only when Richard was calling me sounding genuinely worried that I knew something was up. So, what happened between you two?”

“I…I fucked up big time.”

“How? Please, just tell me everything.”

Xander recounted it all, feeling slightly better at getting it all off his chest but also embarrassed at what he’d been reduced to.

“He was obviously angry then, but isn’t so now. He really has been genuinely scared about what might have happened to you. Where even are you?”

“Safe. I don’t know when I’ll be back…I need more time. I promise you, I’m not going to kill myself, I just…need more time to get my head right. I’ll let you know when I do plan to return, and you can tell Richard I’m okay, and not a day goes by where I don’t regret what I’ve done.”

“Call him yourself. You owe him that much. He really is afraid that you’ve killed yourself and that it’s his fault.”

“I-I will. Right now, I promise.”

“Good. Take care of yourself. Please.”

Xander paced the floor repeatedly for several minutes, his finger hovering over Richard’s number the whole time.

“Get a grip on yourself!” he said loudly to himself in the empty room, finally hitting the ‘call’ button.

It was a bit of a relief when it went direct to voicemail.

“…Hi Rich…It’s me. I erm…Hannah told me you were worried.” He took a deep breath, his voice shaky, “I’m okay. I just needed to get away. I’m sorry. Oh god, I am sorry. If…If I could go back in time and stop myself from…doing what I did, I would. I never…I never meant to hurt you so much. I’m not going to kill myself, really I’m not. Things are just…” he let out a sob, “It’s all such a mess and it’s my fault. I’ll drop your spare key back in when I return. I-I’m sorry.”

Disconnecting, he immediately turned his phone off again, not even daring to read the texts and voicemails that were still waiting for him.

Richard picked up the voicemail shortly after and was frustrated when Xander’s phone was off again, so did the next best thing and called Hannah.

”Did he call you?”

“Left me a voicemail, and now his phone’s switched off again. Please, I need to know where he is!”

“He didn’t even tell me. He just said he was safe.”

“But for how long? Shit, Han, I can’t stand it anymore. Please, if you think of anywhere he might be, please tell me. I need to see him, to see for myself that he really is okay and to sort this out.”

“He never was spontaneous enough to suddenly by a plane ticket and leave the country so I think he’s still somewhere not that far. I’ll have a think about it and make some inquiries.”

“Thank you. I’d really appreciate it.”

“Listen, Xander told me what happened between you two. He’s been feeling that way about you for a while now.”

“And yet he never felt he could tell me? Instead he waits until he catches me kissing my date to suddenly decide to show me?”

“I guess it must’ve spurred him to do it.”

“Clearly.” He sighed, “When I next see him I don’t know if I’ll punch him or hug him.”

“The latter would be better and most likely what you’d do. Just keep your phone near you, and I’ll let you know when I hear something, okay?”

“Yes, okay. Thanks.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander and Richard finally talk things over.

Xander’s jog came to a slow and he sat down at what was becoming his favourite spot to rest and watch the sun slowly start to set in the distance. The rock was large and smooth, and he wondered how many others sat here to enjoy the view over the years.

He gasped as he heard a barn owl screech before flying from the woods behind him over his head close enough that he felt the wind’s down force from its wings. Smiling, he watched it glide down effortlessly towards the lake.

He really could get used to this. If it wasn’t for work and his boys, he’d probably move to live out here permanently.

Whilst having talked to Hannah made him feel a bit better, he knew that by now Richard would have picked up the voicemail. What would he think?

He also knew his phone had a load of unread texts still waiting for him, and although he had turned his phone on with the intention of going through them several times, he couldn’t bring himself to go through the thread Richard had left for him. Maybe now was the time as he was going to have to face him in person eventually.

Sure he was alone, he turned the phone on and started scrolling from the last he’d sent and noticed that it was several days until Richard finally responded.

-Call me when you get this please.  
  
-Hello? Are you ignoring me now?

-Call me.

-FUCK SAKE! ANSWER ME!

-You started all this shit so don’t ignore me now.   
Act like a grown up, you petulant child!

-I’m sorry. That last text was just me being an   
arsehole. I’m worried about you though so please,   
text me back. Just a hi. Anything to let me know   
you’re okay.

-Xander please. We can talk about this. I want  
to talk to you about this.

-Xander I am BEGGING YOU!

-You’re pissing me off now. What do you think  
you’re going to achieve from ignoring me?

-I can’t handle this anymore. You fucking win  
OK? I’m sorry. Stop scaring me. You’re   
scaring Hannah too because she doesn’t   
know where you are either.  
-Xander I miss you so much. I know we left things  
in a bad way but I want to talk to you. I’m not  
angry with you anymore, I’m scared.

The voicemails were mostly the same as the texts, one going on for a long time as Richard drunkenly rambled the same things over and over. Then he heard the sobs and had to stop it, deleting it immediately afterwards.

The sun dipped below in the distance and the path lights started to turn on, signalling it was time to move on for another night of solitude.

On his return, he was surprised to find a large figure sat on the front steps. His posture and size overall was recognisably Richard, and his head raised up at the sound of footsteps. There was no way Xander could walk away now.

“How did you find me?” were the first words from Xander’s mouth, and he actually flinched at how unintended harsh he sounded.

“Well after you’d scared the shit out of us all and Hannah guessed you couldn’t have left the country, the only place she thought you could have been would be here. She rang your landlord friend who confirmed it.”

He supposed it would have happened eventually and he stepped around Richard to open the front door, leaving it open as invitation.

Richard took the hint and followed, closing the door behind him.

Xander approached holding Richard’s spare key in his hand.

“Came a long way to get this back huh?”

“That’s not the reason I’m here and you know it.”

“Really? You came to see this sad little prick for another reason?” he said bitterly, opening a new bottle of scotch and pouring himself a glass, drinking it down rapidly, “Last time I saw you, things weren’t exactly rosy between us. I guess you owe me a punch to the face anyway so you might as well just get it over with.”

Standing his ground, he raised his head slightly and closed his eyes, not expecting Richard to pull him into a hug.

“You bastard.” Richard said softly, “You scared the shit out of a lot of people by disappearing like that. I was afraid you’d…done something stupid.”

“I think I already did that in your kitchen.”

“Fuck, Xander,” he gently pulled them apart, looking Xander in the eye, “why did you do it? Why did you need to kiss me? Were you jealous of Louisa?”

“Yes. Yes, I damn well was, okay? You have no idea how hard that was. I’ve wanted to tell you for so long…to then see I’d missed my chance.”

With a sigh, Richard hugged him close again, relieved that the smaller man was now calm in his embrace.

“I made the meal both to thank you and tell you how I felt…How I feel.”

“Well just so you know the pie didn’t go to waste. Not long after you left, the kids turned up because the event they were going to had been cancelled. Seems fate was out to change my plans either way. It was absolutely delicious though.”

“I was hoping it would be. I made it just the way I know you like it.”

“Oh Xander…I should have called to see if you were still there. It was inconsiderate of me since I had invited you to stay…I guess I was just used to coming back to find you’d gone home that I just assumed that day would have been no different.”

Xander nodded as he took his words in. It was true, there had been quite a few times over the years he’d stayed over rather than drive home and he’d never continued staying there. Still, before he always had a wife and kids to return home to.

“So have you seen her since?”

“I have...but we’ve parted ways soon after. Turns out she’s wasn’t interested in a long-term relationship. I wish she’d bloody told me that before.” He raised his hands in frustration, “Why do I always seem to get people who just want a quick fuck? They always just look at my height, assume I’m hung like a horse, and just…”

During the time Richard had been talking, Xander had stood and poured two glasses of scotch, handing one over as he continued his rant.

“I’m not who they think I am, and some don’t even seem to know what I’m actually like. I feel like I have to act like my TV persona around them all the time.”

Taking a large gulp, Richard stared into the glass. He did see her again, but they didn’t get as far as sex. She tried her best to get him in the mood, but he was so worried about what had happened to Xander that he didn’t show interest in her advances.

The night ended with him apologising and her leaving in a huff, telling him to not call her again. She showed no interest in why he was so concerned, and that was enough he needed to delete her number soon after.

“I don’t know why, Rich. You’re still a great, kind, and funny guy even when you’re just being yourself.”

“I’m really not much to look at.”

“I’d say that I disagree with that statement, and I want…” he watched as the liquid swirled around in its glass, “I want to see more.”

“I’m not hung like a horse.”

Xander cringed.

“I’d be concerned if you were.”

Richard let out a snort of amusement and smiled.

“Thanks mate.”

“Now stop putting yourself down.” He sighed, “I love you, Rich, and I’ve wanted to tell you for months. I was going to tell you that night, but then…I was stupid to let my impulses get the better of me and push myself onto you the way I did, but I’d hoped you’d understand just how I felt. If you don’t want me that way then…I’ll accept it and respect your personal space.”

Richard stayed silent, drinking his glass dry and staring down intently at the carpet before looking at his watch.

Xander saw the action.

“You’re welcome to stay in the spare room tonight and you can go back home tomorrow if you wish? I promise I’m not going to sneak in during the night or anything.”

Getting a nod in response, Xander mirrored the action briefly.

“Okay then, well the spare room is down here on the left,” he gestured in the direction, “and the toilet is directly opposite. Did you want tea or another scotch? Have you eaten at all?”

“I had something to eat before I got here, but I’ll have a cuppa though if there’s one going?”

“Of course. I’ve even got some Jaffa cakes. Not that I was expecting you, mind. They were left here unopened by the last occupier.”

“Whoever they were, they have good taste.”

Keeping their distance, they drank their tea in relative silence. Every minute seemed to be dragging, and Xander couldn’t help but look over at his friend, seeing him clearly having an internal battle over something.

“Look, Xander, I really am sorry about some of the stuff I said in my texts...and the voicemails.”

“I deserved it all, and I’m sorry I didn’t respond to any of them.” He sighed and put his face in his hands, “I’m a coward...I’m sorry I hurt you so much.”

Richard knew what voicemail he was referring to. He’d called it in after his failed night with Louise, blaming Xander for “ruining everything”. Once he recovered from his hangover the next morning he knew that really it was never going to work out between them and he’d merely blamed Xander rather than himself.

It was barely going on for 10pm when Richard yawned and finished the last of his tea.

“I’d best get some sleep. I’ve got a few meetings to attend tomorrow afternoon.”

“And I dragged you all the way out here.”

“No, I chose to come here. I needed to see for myself that you were okay...and to apologise.”

Xander stood, his arms raising slightly before dropping by his side again. It was obvious he was going for a hug, and Richard felt he owed him that much.

Stepping forward, he saw his friend flinch again, and it hurt. Without a word he pulled him close, and giving him a light squeeze before parting again.

“Night.”

“Goodnight Rich.”

In the privacy of the bedroom, Richard stripped his clothing and slid into the clean sheets before rubbing his eyes, partly in tiredness and partly just out of frustration.

He’d never kissed a man before, not even during his experimental phase in his youth. It was very much a jerk each other off whilst looking anywhere but each other kind of thing.

The memory of Xander’s lips on his was ingrained in his brain, and he knew that just for a moment, he had enjoyed it. Who was he kidding? Of course he loved Xander to bits, but was it like that?

When he received Xander’s apology text that night he tutted and closed the thread. He assumed it would be the first of many texts to come over the following days, so when it didn’t happen he was actually concerned.

He tried ringing him once, twice, and then decided to just leave a text. When he got no response from that he just assumed Xander was avoiding him. After a day or so he tried ringing again but once again found the phone was switched off.

After a few more days he started to panic, attempting to ring and text Xander again but still there was no response.

He got a taxi to Xander’s flat, ringing the bell and trying to talk through the door without making too much of a scene. No doubt there were one or two curtains twitching but thankfully he wouldn’t have seen it.

Once it was obvious Xander wasn’t there, he decided it was better to just go back home. It was then his resolve broke down enough that he rang Hannah, relieved he had her number although he’s never called her before. When she told him the text she’d received and how she’d heard nothing since, he started to truly panic.

Left voicemails and texts unread, Richard’s dark thoughts started to set into his mind. Would he really end his life because of a rejection? Surely he wouldn’t be that silly. Then where was he? He was a sensible enough man that he would at least tell Hannah what was going on...so why hasn’t he?

When Hannah finally got back to him with Xander’s location he felt the tension in his body finally cease. With many thank you’s he hung up her call and immediately called for a taxi. It was probably going to be a very expensive fare, but he didn’t care. If Xander was indeed still alive, he needed to see it for himself and finally straighten things out.

That night Richard slept peacefully knowing his friend was only in the next room and that the worst of their making up had been done.

Morning seemed to arrive too quickly and still lying in bed Xander could hear Richard already moving around. A thought suddenly sent fear shooting through him. Was Richard going to sneak out without a word?

Quickly Xander dressed himself and stepped out to the kitchen, relieved to see Richard was buttering some toast and clearly not in a rush to get out of there.

“Ah, you’re awake. Nice timing.” He said, handing over a mug of tea.

“Thanks.” He sipped from it gingerly, “I was…I thought maybe you might…”

“Leave without saying goodbye?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t blame you for thinking that way. The younger me would have, and have done that over the years, but I wouldn’t now…Not to you.”

“I appreciate it.”

“My taxi should be here in about half hour, but I’ll have to go down to the main gate to meet it.”

“I’ll come with you. I’ve gotten quite used to a walk in the morning and evening being here.”

“I does seem like a nice peaceful place. Maybe sometime we could...come down here together for a week or something during out filming break.”

“I’d like that.” He smiled a genuine smile, “Yes I’d like that very much.”

Richard was so relieved to see Xander smile again, the twinkle returning to his eye. It was like wrinkles on the man’s face had also disappeared overnight. He looked...beautiful.

Oh fuck.

Richard looked at his watch to hide his blush.

“Sorry to rush you, but we should be heading down soon.”

“Yes, of course.”

Slowly they walked the path down to the main gate, neither speaking a word.

Every now and then Richard looked to Xander, and it confirmed to him more and more that he loved his friend much deeper than he was willing to admit at first.

Standing for a few minutes waiting, Xander told him about the owl incident amongst other small things, and was the first to see the taxi arriving.

He didn’t want Richard to leave, but he knew he had to. After all Richard had dropped everything to come and see him.

“Listen, I don’t know when I’m going to return home.”

“Take the time you need.”

Xander held out Richard’s spare key, but he refused it again.

“Bring it back to me when you’re ready. And please, come back safe.”

In a sudden movement, Xander wrapped his arms around Richard, hugging him tightly.

“Thank you.” He whispered, “I love you so much.”

Richard mirrored the embrace, rocking them both gently back and forth for a moment.

“Love you too, mate. Take care.”

“Yes, you too. Safe Journey. Let me know when you’re home, okay?”

“Will do.”

As Xander watched the taxi leave, he felt a sense of loneliness start to creep over him again.

However things were at least starting to look up, and on getting back to the cottage his first act was to text Hannah to let her know things with Richard had gone okay.

Richard’s meeting went surprisingly well, despite his mind being elsewhere for most of it. Most of that was done to his co-producer, Owen, taking the lead most of the time, and it ended with Channel 4 being willing to at least make a pilot to test the format out with members of the public.

With that over, Richard headed for his office with Owen behind him.

They talked briefly about the next show on the list and then decided to have a game of darts to celebrate. It was something Richard always seemed to enjoy to help wind down. So much so that the dart board in his office had many years worth of holes in it, and a few around it by less than perfect aim guests who had joined him at times.

“Richard, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but if I wasn’t in there with you, we wouldn’t have succeeded in selling that.”

Richard sighed, nodding in admission.

“I know and I’m sorry. I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment.”

“For the last few weeks I’d say. Is everything okay? Is your mum well?”

“Yes, thank you, she is. It’s...something else.”

“Is it that bad?”

“I think so.”

It had run rings around his mind all day now, and he couldn’t ignore it. The thought of losing Xander hurt him to his very core, and now he was willing to accept why.

“I’m in love with Alexander Armstrong.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *ONE THING TO NOTE!!*
> 
> Okay, so I know the names of Richard's kids, but for the story I changed them. It's bad enough I'm writing fan fic about their dad having a relationship with his TV co-presenter which would be embarrassing enough without me using their real names. I don't know, I just don't feel comfortable about it.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy the final part. Thank you and goodnight.

Xander sat on the high rock again for what would be the last time for a while as the sky began to brighten.

“Red sky in the morning, shepherd’s warning.” He muttered to himself.

Still, with the nice hue and only a few spots of cloud, he decided it was photo worthy and took a pic on his phone before returning back to the cottage. Stepping into the warmth of the place, he checked his phone signal; a decent 3 bars.

Smiling, he sent to pic to Richard with the words ‘Wish you were here x’ attached. He didn’t say anything about returning to London since he didn’t want to spoil the surprise.

Arriving back at his flat, he stopped off long enough to drop off his case, having showered and put on clean clothes before he left the cottage, then headed for the nearest supermarket to stock up on cooking supplies then onto Richard’s place.

Holding the door key, he faltered for a moment wondering whether he had the right to let himself in. He decided if it wasn’t Richard wouldn’t have let him keep hold of it, and after all, he did try to return it twice.

The door was locked so Richard was obviously out which was how he wanted it. As nice as it would be to see him again, it would be even better with dinner and a bouquet of flowers. Some would say it would be silly for a man to buy another man flowers, but he didn’t agree at all. He’s known Richard long enough to know he likes them, although he had no idea where he kept his vases.

Putting the bags on the kitchen counter he put the flowers in the sink with some water, jumping suddenly when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.

“Oh, Nancy, I’m sorry!”

Richard’s daughter was stood in the doorway, also looking a bit worried until she recognised him.

“I didn’t know you were home.”

“Yes...Dad’s not home yet though.”

“Good as I was going to cook anyway. Will you and your brother be here for dinner too?”

“No, we’re going to mum’s for the weekend. He’s at karate class and we’ll be picking him up on the way through. Thanks anyway…and thank you for the pie you made before. It was absolutely delicious. I thought there was going to be a fight between dad and Archie for the last bit. ”

“I’m going to make it again so if you two do want to stay for dinner and your mum doesn’t mind then you’ll be welcome to.”

“No, I think you and dad need to talk. What even happened? Dad wouldn’t tell us.”

Xander bit his lip.

“We had a bit of an argument, and it was my fault.”

“Well running away wasn’t a good idea. You really scared him.”

“I know. I really didn’t mean to, but I was having a bit of a crisis.”

“I heard him crying in his room one night. It’s been years since I last did…”she looked him in the eye with a hard stare, “I was hoping to never again.”

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I do intend to make things right with him again though.”

“Good.” Her phone chimed and her expression quickly changed, “Mum’s here to pick me up. Dad will probably be home in the next hour or so. Have a nice evening.”

“Thanks, and safe journey.”

Hearing the front door close, he leaned against the counter and puffed out a sigh. She was a smart girl, and fiercely loyal to her dad. He couldn’t help but admire her for that.

Looking at the clock he decided it was time to get down to it. He could lay the table whilst it cooked and was sure it would all be ready in time. Hopefully this time, things will go the way he planned.

Richard arrived home, worried that Nancy hadn’t locked the front door on her way out, but calmed when he smelt cooking. His heartbeat increased with barely contained joy.

“Xander?”

He’d heard the front door open and silently prayed Richard was alone this time.

“Yes, it’s me.”

Stepping out of the kitchen, Richard was indeed alone this time, looking tired but happy to see him, and he felt a great sense of relief flowing through him as Richard pulled him into a hug.

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again.”

“I’m sorry. I promise I won’t.”

“Good. Was Nancy here when you came in?”

“Yes she was still here. She gave me a stern talking to about upsetting you.”

“I tried to not let it show, but she’s not oblivious, and can easily pick up on things.”

“She’s wise for her age...just like her dad.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere.”

“I thought it might, that and some nice cooking.”

Xander returned to check the pie, prodding it with a knife and looking at the clock.

“Is it your shepherd’s pie again?”

Leaning down, Richard rested his head on the smaller man’s shoulder, taking a long breath in to enjoy its scent.

“It is indeed. A few more minutes should do it.” He said, closing the oven again and hiding the blush spreading across his cheeks at having his friend so close to him like that, “I hear it went down a storm last time.”

“It really did. I wish I could cook the way you do. You know how useless I am at it.”

“Well you know I could always teach you?”

Richard grinned, pulling Xander into a brief side hug before picking the bottle of wine off the counter and surveying it.

“A good brand, I trust?”

“You know me. I think you’ll really like this one. It’s not too sweet, but also not too dry. It’ll compliment the pie nicely I think.”

“Well you’re the chef. Is there anything I can do?”

“No, it’s almost ready. Head on into the dining room, I shouldn’t be long. Oh, take the wine with you and feel free to pour yourself a glass. Tell me if I was right about it.”

The pie was eaten with gusto, and the remains were put in the top oven to keep until later.

Sitting on the sofa with the first episode of ‘Black Mirror’ loaded on Netflix, Richard welcomed Xander to lie against him, wrapping his arm gently around his smaller form.

“Thanks for this, Xander, I really needed it.”

“That’s okay.” He looked up with adoration in his eyes, “I er, hope I’m not being too presumptuous, but I bought some food in for tomorrow’s dinner. How does steak sound to you?”

“With the little potatoes and sundried tomatoes?”

“Absolutely, and no spinach.”

“Count me in.”

“I’m glad.”

He took the chance to snuggle closer against the bigger man, enjoying the feel of his chest rising and falling, and he could hear his heartbeat through the thick cord of his jumper. This was what he had been missing, and what he craved for so long.

“By the way, Xander, I loved the picture you sent me. I wish I was there with you too.”

“Maybe we could soon if things aren’t too busy?”

“We’ll see.”

As the third episode came to a close, Richard yawned and looked down at Xander, still snug against him and very, very quiet.

Gently he rubbed the man’s shoulder, waking him from his sleep.

“Sorry Rich, I must’ve dozed off at some point.”

“It’s okay. I’d say we’re both ready for bed.”

“No disagreement from me.”

“Well the good news is, with Nancy’s help, I’ve cleared the spare bedroom of all the clutter, so you won’t need to sleep on the sofa this time.”

Xander nodded, turning away to hide his disappointment. He had been hoping they would be sharing a bed tonight, but maybe that was taking things too fast?

No, he couldn’t scare Richard away again, and if taking it at his pace was the way to go, then so be it, he’ll wait.

“Thanks. Do you have plans for tomorrow yet?”

“I’ll be stopping by the office for the morning, but I’ll have the afternoon free. Why?”

“Well I saw they were showing ‘Twelve Angry Men’ at the Curzon theatre just after one and I thought maybe we could?”

“I’d love to.”

“It’s a date then...I mean, well...”

“Yes, Xander, it is a date. So long as you promise to buy me some pick ‘n’ mix.”

With a grin, Xander shook his head.

“I’ll buy you all the pick ‘n’ mix your heart desires. Goodnight Rich.”

“Night.”

Alone in his room, Xander frowned. Should he have at least kissed Richard good night, or even a hug?

“Take it slow, old man.” He told himself out loud, groaning at the reality of his advancing years.

It had just gone 2am when Xander heard his room door open and close, footsteps in the darkness, and thunk followed by a muffled curse as Richard had obviously walked into one of the .

He remained still and felt extra weight come to rest on the empty side of the bed.

“Rich?” he said, confused and groggy.

“Shhhh. Go back to sleep.”

This made him even more confused, but was afraid that if he started asking questions Richard might leave again. Instead he carefully reached out to find the other man’s hand, linking their fingers and settled them on his hip. He smiled to himself in relief when there was no resistance.

Next time he woke dawn was breaking and Richard was fast asleep beside him.

Carefully, he turned over to face him. He looked so peaceful. His fringe had flopped to cover his eyes, and ever so gently, Xander moved it away.

Still Richard slept on obliviously, his mouth slightly open where he was breathing and Xander wanted to always wake up with this man beside him.

Reaching out, he ran his hand down the larger man’s face, knowing Richard was waking as his eyes started to flicker behind his still closed eye lids.

“I love you.” He whispered.

Richard murmured something, eyes opening slightly.

“I love you, Rich.” He said again.

He wanted to kiss Richard, but the rejection before was still hanging over him, and he knew it wasn’t fair to kiss him when he wouldn’t see it coming.

Reaching over he found the man’s glasses and then placed them on his face.

“Better?”

“Much.”

“I’m sorry for upsetting you.”

“I was angry with you, but there was no need to disappear on us.”

“I just felt like I’d ruined everything and I didn’t know what to do. I was so scared I’d fucked everything up.”

With a sad smile, Richard pulled the smaller man into his arms.

“It was a shock more than anything. You really have terrible timing.”

“Hannah kept telling me I should tell you how I was feeling.”

“Why didn’t you?”

“I don’t know. I guess it’s because you’ve always been with women, so I assumed...”

“Xander, I love you.”

As the smaller man looked up with delight in his eyes, Richard took the opportunity to kiss him.

Xander let out a squeak of surprise before he realised it was finally happening. What a messy state of affairs it had all been just to get to this moment, but it was worth it.

“Rich, I’m not dreaming, am I?”

“No. I can pinch you if you’d like?”

“Does that even work?”

He saw Richard’s hand move, finger and thumb poised and he quickly slapped it away with a laugh.

“Don’t even try it. If it is a dream I want to stay in it for as long as possible.”

“It’s not a dream, I promise you that. I missed you. Fuck, I was so scared you’d killed yourself.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are. Listen let’s just forget about it, okay? We’ve apologised to each other enough times, and now we know where we stand.”

“Yes I think we should.” He checked the bedside clock, frowned, and then checked his phone, “Rich, it’s just gone five-twenty.”

“What? Then why are we awake?”

“I guess that was my fault, sorry. I just felt like I’d slept for ages, and it’s getting light outside.”

“That maybe so,” Richard yawned, taking his glasses back off, “but it’s still too early. Now come here and go lets back to sleep.”

“Don’t you have to go into work later?”

“No. It wasn’t for anything important, so I’ve bagged the whole day off. Owen understands.”

As birds started to wake outside, tweeting to greet the morning, Richard and Xander slept on oblivious in each other’s arms.

Sometimes acting on impulse isn’t a bad thing, you just need to time it right.


End file.
